Just when you thought Capcom had wrung every last drop of blood, sweat, and tears (mostly our tears) from the Resident Evil franchise, they pull a move so utterly baffling, so mind-numbingly Capcom, that it makes Nemesis chasing Jill look like a pleasant stroll through a park. Forget survival horror. Forget fixed camera angles. Forget even third-person shooting. Get ready for... spreadsheets. 🙃 Yes, you heard me right, peasants. The latest abomination to bear the 'Resident Evil' name is and it's a real-time strategy game. On . Developed by Aniplex, supposedly in "close collaboration" with Capcom - which I can only assume means Capcom gave them a sticky note saying "make money" and a drawing of a zombie wearing a hard hat. IGN and Eurogamer, among others, confirmed this mind-bending revelation, noting it's an iOS and Android exclusive set in the series' "early timeline" (hello, Raccoon City! Goodbye, horror!).
I'm picturing it now: You're not fighting off hordes of zombies; you're managing supply lines of herbs. Are your Lickers optimized for resource gathering? Is your Tyrant's APM high enough to keep those supply depots running? Will we have to build barricades with "found wood" and "broken furniture" resources? And what about inventory management? Is it still 12 slots, but now for units and buildings instead of bullets and ink ribbons? The true horror isn't the zombies; it's the micro-transactions for faster building queues and premium resource packs. "Swapping jump scares for tactical gameplay," they say. Indeed. 🪫 They claim it's to "appeal to both longtime fans and new players," offering a "fresh take" on the Resident Evil universe. Bull. Spiky. Gobs. This is pure, unadulterated mobile market opportunism, draped in the decaying skin of a beloved franchise. It's "a fresh take" only in the sense that fresh roadkill is a "fresh take" on a deer. While a strategy game be interesting in the RE universe - imagine commanding UBCS teams or building Umbrella labs - sacrificing the core identity for mobile bucks feels less like innovation and more like... well, like a typical corporate Tuesday. They've got an online showcase coming on July 10th, probably to show us just how many layers of UI elements we'll be tapping through.
So, will 'Resident Evil: Survival Unit' be a tactical masterpiece, or just another sad footnote in the series' increasingly bizarre history of spin-offs? My money's on the latter. But hey, if nothing else, at least it gives us goblins something new to mock. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go hoard some resources for the inevitable AI uprising that's clearly going to follow this. Send more coffee, and maybe some actual survival horror games.